Speaker 0:00

When you look at your partner, are you seeing who they really are? Or are you seeing them through everything that happened before they arrived? You didn't enter your marriage as a blank slate. You brought the child who learned what love felt like or didn't feel like, what conflict meant, whether it was safe to have needs, and what you had to do to feel seen, accepted, or protected. You brought old wounds, you brought pain, you brought trauma. Those experiences became a lens. Yours may be yellow, purple, green, blue, and pink all mixed together. That lens is smudged, clouded, perhaps some bright spots in there as well, but it has a narrow focus. And without even realizing it, you still may be looking at your partner through that lens today. A forgotten promise may look like proof that you can't depend on them. A need for space may feel like a complete rejection. A disagreement may feel unsafe. And something your partner says today may trigger or activate a deep hurt that began long before you ever met. So today you're going to want to tune into this because we're exploring how unresolved childhood experiences, the old wounds, the old trauma, may still be impacting the way you see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. And how changing this lens and clearing these old wounds can help you see both your partner and your marriage through brand new eyes.

Speaker 1:46

Welcome to Before and Beyond I Do, real talk about marriage at every stage. I'm Susan Ortolano, Intuitive Relationship and Marriage Coach. We have another meaningful episode for you today, and I'm so glad you're here. So let's just dive in, shall we?

Speaker 2:07

Hey, it's Susan here. What is up? This is your station for powerful marriage education and transformation that directly connects to you. And today we are diving deep into the core of why marriages operate the way they do and simply stop working. Now, while we're about to dive into things from childhood and histories that may be directly impacting who we are and how we show up in marriage, I want to be clear. This is not about dissecting your history. It's not about blame. This is not about digging into every experience you've ever had in life. Can't do that. Don't have the memory of everything. It's not about focusing endlessly on your childhood experience, going through digging for every detail, or using anything that happened as an excuse to how you or your spouse behaves in the marriage. This is about understanding that the experiences you did have, many of which you may not even consciously remember, the wounds you carry, the meaning you made from what happened back then, are still impacting your marriage now. From birth to approximately, I would say seven, eight years old, and there's research and statistics and all kinds of stuff on this. We are constantly absorbing the world around us. We're not even aware how much they stick. We absorb what we're directly told, what we witness, what we see, and what we personally experience. It's as if we're little computers running around while software is continually being installed. We learn whether it's safe to express our feelings or not, whether our needs matter to anybody, whether love is dependable, whether we're safe, whether conflict leads to understanding or silence, withdrawal or punishment or even chaos. We also begin forming our beliefs about ourselves. You know, the ones I'm not good enough, I'm too much, my feelings don't matter, man, I have to take care of everybody else. I can't depend on anybody but myself. Those beliefs become part of the lens through which we see ourselves and the people we love. And then we grow up. We meet people, we fall in love, we enter a committed relationship or marriage, believing we've left that childhood behind. But let me tell you, sometimes childhood pain gets carried right along with us. And without even realizing it, you may not be reacting only to the partner standing in front of you, you may also be reacting to an old wound, an old belief, or a familiar feeling that began long before the two of you met. And that software does not automatically uninstall when we turn 18 or when we leave home or even when we get married. But unless it's examined, healed, or updated, if you use the software analogy, the old operating system is still running inside of you and in your marriage today. And your partner brings their own operating system. They may have grown up differently, different family, absorbed different messages, witnessed different dynamics, had different experiences, developed different beliefs, and learned different ways to protect themselves. Now imagine two completely different operating systems trying to run one marriage, with each person assuming their system is normal, correct, and the way things are supposed to be. One person learned to handle conflict immediately, maybe. The other learned that, oh my gosh, the safest response is to be quiet or just leave or disappear. One person learned that love means doing everything together. The other learned that independence is essential because you just can't count on anyone but yourself. One person learned to talk openly about their feelings, put it all out there. The other learned that feelings create problems and should be kept private, or else it's dangerous. Neither partner may understand why the other reacts the way they do. They just know that their spouse's reaction feels off, wrong, frustrating, hurtful, or even threatening. And when those two operating systems collide, the marriage can begin freezing, glitching, or completely crashing. You may believe your partner is the problem when in reality old patterns in programming are running the show and neither of you has recognized it yet. And just to be clear, not everything installed in childhood needs to be deleted. If you had loving, supportive experiences, you may have had some great software installed. We're not trying to get rid of that. Perhaps you learn how to show affection. Perhaps you remain connected during difficult moments. You're the one who takes responsibility, you own your part, and you just know to repair when something goes wrong, or you create a sense of safety and belonging wherever you are. Maybe you inherited positive and very meaningful core values, traditions, wisdom, and resilience that continue to support you in your marriage today. So the goal here is not to wipe the entire system clean. The goal is to become aware of the program that's actually running. So we need to look at these things. What's working? What's actually supporting you? What helps you create the marriage you want? What's outdated, harmful, and no longer serving you? Gotta look at that. Then you get to keep the wisdom that you had, strengthen what actually does support you, and then begin deleting or replacing the programming that continues to create the pain in your life and in your marriage. Now, let me share an example. And I'm I, as always, when I talk about a couple I've worked with, I do not use names or any identifying details because the purpose is never to make light of anybody's experience, but to illustrate the dynamics that we're exploring in any episode. So I was working with this couple, and the wife identified one of her strongest programs was I don't matter or I'm not important enough. This one happens to be common amongst women. But she had moved through much of her life carrying this belief. She hadn't been fully conscious of it or aware of it, but she could recognize the feeling in other areas of her life and in past relationships. Meanwhile, her husband often felt like he just couldn't get anything right with her. No matter what he did, he couldn't get it right. He just wasn't good enough. And as we explored the program running inside of him, he identified it as I just can't get anything right. Now that's really hard to live with. It's a very smudged, painful lens to see through in life. But as we became aware of these programs, we were able to start to see how they affected life, life before relationship, and how they were impacting their relationship now. And this is possible for you too. This was no pun intended eye-opening for both of them because it helped fill in some of the missing puzzle pieces in their marriage and in the patterns they were experiencing. So when we looked at only the present situation from a logical perspective, their reactions did not make sense. They really looked at how the other person reacted and were just sitting there going, like, I don't get it. The wife might respond to something with an intensity her husband could not understand because the incident had activated the old program, I don't matter. He would experience her reaction as further proof that he had failed again, failed her again, see, can't get anything right. He might then become defensive, which he did, shut down or stop trying altogether because he didn't know how to handle it. What did she experience in his response? Well, he just would shut down, so more evidence that she didn't matter or she wasn't important. So her program activated his, and his program or his protective reaction reinforced hers. Now, neither one of them was intentionally trying to hurt the other, but two old programs were running that relationship, each one collecting evidence that it has that was it was actually true, because that's what happens. Now, once they recognized that they were programs, they could begin seeing the pattern instead of simply seeing each other as the problem, because that's what happens. They both felt so relieved when they became aware of this. Not only because they had these programs, I mean, it's like, yay, I have these crappy programs, but because they became aware that these programs were not them. They were not attached to them, they were not who they were as people. There wasn't something fundamentally broken within either one of them. And their marriage wasn't beyond repair either. They just had two old operating systems running. And these were systems that had been installed long before they ever met. So, how could it be about them, the other person? But now they could finally begin clearing the old programming and consciously, intentionally installing what they actually wanted to believe and experience. So instead of I don't matter, she could begin installing, I do matter, my needs and feelings are important. And instead of I can't get anything right or I'm not good enough, he could begin installing, I'm capable, I can learn, I can grow, and I can positively contribute to this marriage. Now I also refer to these programs sometimes as stories, a lot of times as stories. And I don't say story to minimize anybody's experience or the intense pain and emotion connected to the experiences, but just to give it a label. These experiences felt real. The hurt was real, but the beliefs they formed from those experiences became stories about who they were, what they could expect from love, and how marriage would work. These stories did not have to keep determining their future. Also, being able to clear the old programming allowed them to open themselves to a fresh, upgraded operating system, created and create an incredible sense of freedom and the possibility of a brand new, upgraded marriage experience for both of them. Now, it sounds like I'm talking about a computer or an iPhone, but marriage is so much more than that. And here's what may be true for you as well. You're not broken. Your spouse isn't broken. You may be just moving through your marriage with an old operating system still running, and your spouse may be running an entirely different one as well. And these two systems may not communicate well. They may collide, misinterpret each other, make assumptions, fight for their limitations, meaning fight for the old operating system, and repeatedly create the same cycle of painful patterns that seem to be like a washing machine spin cycle. But here's the thing: when you become aware of the old programming, you can begin clearing what no longer serves you and really choose what you want, what you want to install in its place. You actually really have that power. You can change the beliefs you hold about yourself that you've been carrying for so many years. You can change the meaning you attach to your partner's behavior because you're in charge of your meaning. The mind is a meaning-making machine, but you can change the way you interpret what your partner's saying or doing. You can change the way you participate in your marriage. And as that internal lens begins to change, you can start seeing yourself, your partner, and your marriage through brand new eyes and experience hope, the excitement of a fresh start together, a repair that allows you to enter a new and even more exciting chapter together than you've ever had. I'm going to help you begin identifying the old programs that may still be running inside of you and show you how to start choosing what you want to install in their place. We'll be right back.

Speaker 15:54

Now, these are free and they're designed to stop the bleeding in moments of conflict, tension, and friction, even if you're on Cloud9 planning your wedding. Now, if you are preparing for marriage, the premarital first aid kit will help you navigate those moments and start having the conversations that actually matter. If you're already married and things are feeling disconnected, stuck, painful, all of that, the marriage first aid kit will help you stabilize what's happening and start shifting the patterns that just aren't working. These are things that will stop the bleeding. You're gonna find the right one for you in the show notes, or you can go to www.susanordolano.com and you can download them there. Now, let's get back to our episode today, shall we?

Speaker 16:48

Welcome back. We've talked about how child experiences install beliefs and protective patterns that continue running long after childhood has ended. Now let's make this personal. I want you to check. And you may not have to answer, you don't have to answer this now, but think about it, reflect. What old programming might still be running inside of you? How is it shaping the way you see yourself, your partner, your partnership, your marriage today? I look at mine all the time. And fortunately, I have techniques to release them and clear them. It is an ongoing process, but it does get easier. And certain techniques and tools make the clearing really effective. Now, this is deep work. This is the deep work I do with my clients because we are diving underneath the hood, so to speak. We are examining things that are not on the surface. And that's the key to understanding what's impacting a marriage and what's causing the breakdown. That is the secret right there. So let's look again at what may be running inside of you. Do you carry a belief that you're not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not important enough? Maybe you believe you're too much, you're unlovable or even difficult to love. Or maybe you feel like you're destined to be left behind or abandoned. Whatever you are uncovering and whatever you do uncover, ask yourself, can I see what appears to be evidence that this belief is true? And I'm using the phrase appears to be evidence very intentionally. Are you able to recognize patterns of feeling like these throughout your life? The feelings you've had with so many different experiences. Are they similar? Do you see a pattern? If so, maybe you're wondering if this belief is not the truth of who you are. Maybe it's just really old software or an outdated operating system. But why does there seem to be so much evidence that this whole thing is true? Well, here's the deal once that software is installed and running, you will have experiences that activate those feelings connected to it. And your operating system will begin recognizing those experiences as proof that the original belief was correct. And if you carry a program of abandonment, you may have experienced times when somebody did leave, or maybe they just withdrew their energy, became unavailable, or simply just couldn't show up for you in the way you needed. And your system says, see, people always leave me. I'm always abandoned. And if your program says I'm stupid, perhaps somebody said something that made you feel that way. And then you're like, see, I'm stupid. Maybe you struggled with your particular class in school. Maybe something happened in high school or at work that left you feeling embarrassed or inadequate. Then in a previous relationship, maybe you didn't feel smart enough for the person you were dating, or somebody made a comment that activated that old belief again. Every experience becomes another piece of what appears to be evidence. But the experience did not prove that the belief was true. It just triggered or activated that old program. This is where triggers come from. Something happens in the present, but our system connects it to the old belief, the old wound, and every other experience that seemed to confirm it. We began talking about triggers in the last episode, and we will explore them more deeply in future episodes, that is for sure. But for today, I want you to reflect can you recognize one of these old programs operating throughout your life? Can you see the situations, relationships, or experiences that seem to reinforce it? And can you begin considering at least the possibility that these experiences are not proof of who you are as a person, but evidence that an old operating system has been interpreting your life? Now look at your marriage. Can you begin to see why certain moments trigger these old beliefs and wounds so intensely? Imagine that the program I will be abandoned is married to the program I'm not enough. What kinds of triggers might be in play there? The partner carrying the abandonment wound may become very anxious, that anxious attachment when their spouse needs space or becomes quiet or spends time elsewhere or doesn't respond so quickly. The old operating system says, Oh, they're pulling away. Oh no, they don't want me anymore. Oh my gosh, they're gonna leave me. So they may pursue their partner a little too closely and ask repeated questions, seek reassurance, or push for an immediate conversation. But what might the pi partner be carrying? What if it's I'm not enough? What might they hear in that pursuit? Oh my gosh, I'm disappointing. I'm failing as a spouse. Once again, I'm not giving what what I'm supposed to give. And their old operating system becomes activated. And they may defend themselves. They may shut down or withdraw because they feel that nothing they say or do will be right. And what does that withdrawal activate in the first partner? I knew it. I'm being abandoned. So again, they pursue more intensely. And the more one partner pursues, the more inadequate the one other one feels. The more one withdraws, the more abandoned the other feels. So each person's protective response becomes the other person's active trigger. And both operating systems continue to collect what appears to be evidence that their old beliefs are true. They may think they're fighting each other, but two old wounds are literally fighting for protection. And if that fighting continues long enough, it can ultimately ruin or end a marriage. And what's so sad about that is that these old patterns are not who the couple really is. And they're not the whole truth about the marriage either. There may still be so much good stuff happening. There may still be love, a friendship, I call it a marital friendship, laughter, shared values, meaningful memories, and things that have worked really well between them. But when that old stuff gets triggered, it gets really loud inside and out. And that good stuff gets very minimized. Now the partner caring, I will be abandoned, starts focusing on every moment that feels like distance. The partner caring, I'm not enough, starts focusing on every interaction that feels like criticism or failure. And after a while, both partners are looking at the marriage through old wounds and seeing more and more evidence that those old beliefs are true. They may begin to believe that the painful pattern is the entire marriage, but it's not. It's just the old operating systems running. And when they can recognize it, learn how to clear it, and begin changing the lens, they may discover that the good stuff was still there, but they just couldn't see it any longer. So here's the good news. If you're struggling in your marriage, or struggling before your marriage even gets started, none of this is who you are. Old programs can be deleted, and you may be wondering what becomes possible when these programs are no longer running the relationship. It may feel a little scary to think that way because even though you're looking for it, you don't know who you are without it or you don't remember. But here's what's possible: freedom, joy, more intimacy, love, laughter, connection, conscious communication, less conflict and more fun. When was the last time the two of you actually had fun together? So as you learn how to clear the old programming and you begin to see yourself and your partner through brand new eyes, this marriage can begin to feel magical again. You may want to be home with your spouse rather than taking like a long detour to get home to sort of avoid them. You want to go out together, finally. You may share more private thoughts with each other, sexy glances, intimate moments, really good belly laughs, and maybe even a little adventure. And then when life gives you something difficult, as it inevitably will, you're able to meet it in a new way. You tackle it as a team, you show up as real partners. Not because life suddenly became perfect, but because the new operating system just works better. So continue looking at the programming you may still carry and how it may be impacting your partnership. Get curious about what may be running inside your spouse as well. Something is. Have you ever said or heard somebody say, you make me feel, followed by something negative? Here's what's actually happening. One partner says or does X. The other partner's operating system becomes activated and makes it mean Z. From inside the old lens, it can appear that your partner directly created that feeling and is doing something to you. But they cannot climb inside your mind. They cannot climb inside your operating system. They cannot make something happen there. It is your interpretation that feels that way based on your operating system. Now, this does not mean people are free to behave however they want badly or have no accountability or agreements in a partnership. Your spouse is responsible for what they say, what they do, and their behavior. But you also have responsibility and power in how your internal system interprets, processes, and reacts to what happens. This is how we come back to the truth that marriage success is an inside job. Because believe it or not, again, you have the power to identify the old program, stop allowing it to run your life and your marriage, and choose something new in its place. So take time to reflect on this again. What old program may still be running inside me? And how is it shaping the way I see myself, my partner, and my marriage? Then ask yourself this if I could replace that program, what would I want to believe about myself? What would I want to believe about my partner? And what would I want to believe about my marriage? How do I want to feel? And if you're awakening to the possibility that this could be the game changer you have been looking for in your marriage, because let me tell you, the couples I work with, it is the game changer. Then your next step is to book a discovery call with me. Because that's what I do. I work with couples who are struggling with all of this. And during this discovery call, we'll take a look at the programs that may be running underneath your marriage dynamic, and we will determine whether we're fit to work together. If we are, our work will help you clear the old pain, that old programming that has been carried throughout your life, develop healthier skills and strategies, create or recreate a marriage that feels loving, connected, and truly amazing. At this particular time, I do offer this call for free of charge. You can go to my website, www.susanortolano.com, to book that call or use the link in the show notes to do so. I do have a limited number of spaces for these conversations, but this is where we take an honest look at what's happening, what you want instead. And I look at whether I feel like I'm the right person to help you do the deeper work and build an extraordinary marriage. Because sometimes creating a brand new marriage does not require a brand new partner. It requires seeing through brand new eyes.

Speaker 30:21

Think about what we talked about during this episode. What is one specific action step you can take in your partnership today? And if you want to share what happened when you did, you can email me at Susan @ Susanortolano.com, and your action and results may be featured on an upcoming episode using your first name only because I like to keep your privacy. Now, if you're ready to go deeper with this work, go to www.susanortolano.com. You can check out the services I offer. And know that all links and resources are in the show notes. And if this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow, share it with somebody you love, and leave a review, hopefully a nice one, as it helps this message reach more couples. So I will say until next time, this is Susan Mortolano, Intuitive Relationship and Marriage Coach. This is Before and Beyond I Do. Real talk about marriage at every stage. And always remember marriage success is an inside job. Bye now.