Speaker 0:00

Hey, got conflict? The argument may be loud, but the real issue is often silent. You may think you're fighting about the dishes, the credit card bill, something one of you forgot to do, or a comment that landed in a wrong way. But if the argument becomes far more painful or intense than the situation seems to warrant, something deeper is probably happening. One of you may be silently hearing, I just don't matter. The other may be hearing, nothing I do is ever good enough. These words may never actually be spoken, but they can drive everything that happens next. Today we're going beneath the surface of conflict so that we can uncover what your arguments may actually really be about, what each of you is silently hearing underneath the words, and how to begin repairing the hurt that keeps the same conflicts repeating over and over again.

Speaker 1:11

Hey there, welcome to Before and Beyond I Do, real talk about marriage at every stage. I'm Susan Ortolano, Intuitive Relationship and Marriage Coach. We have another meaningful episode for you today, and I'm so glad you're here. So let's just dive in, shall we?

Speaker 1:32

Hey, Susan here with a little horsey voice today, and we're going to be talking about communication. No, not three steps to communicating better. I don't want to simply throw a few random communication tools at you and tell you, hey, just use different words the next time you argue. Communication tools, I mean, let's be honest, they are necessary, they are helpful, and we are going to address them. But even the best tool may not even work when you don't understand what's actually happening underneath the conflict. So because you may think you're arguing about money, dishes, sex, parenting, other household responsibilities, or something one of you said that didn't land well, or something you didn't do, and your reaction is deeper than the presenting issue in front of you, one of you may silently be hearing something underneath. And these are the things, again, like I'm not important to you, while the other person's hearing nothing I do is ever or will ever be enough for you. One person may feel abandoned while the other feels controlled or criticized. And neither one of you may be saying those words out loud, but those unspoken messages can drive the entire conflict. So today we're going to look at communication from a very different angle. Again, we're going beneath the words. We're going to understand what each of you may silently be hearing, why the same crazy arguments keep repeating over and over again. How to begin repairing what's actually hurting at the root. Here's the thing. I like to say that. Here's the thing. Most conflicts begin with some surface level type incident. The dishes are still sitting in the sink, and I asked you to do them. Somebody forgot to pick up the tomatoes from the store. Somebody forgot to pick up a kid from school. Hopefully that doesn't happen. Or one of you says something that hits a trigger button in the other. Now you've probably heard somebody say, My spouse knows exactly how to push my buttons. But what are those buttons really? They aren't simply the things your partner says or does that annoy you. Those buttons are connected to something much deeper, kind of like an old hurt, a fear, a belief about yourself, or meaning you've learned to attach to certain experiences, because our minds are meaning-making machines. The you didn't do the dishes may be the incident, but what you silently hear inside of you may be, you expect me to handle everything. I'm so alone in this relationship. So the forgotten item from the store, like tomatoes, may be the incident, but underneath it, you may hear, you never listen to me. What matters to me isn't even important to you. A question about money may sound like criticism. A request for more time together may sound like you're not doing enough for me, and you are failing me. A partner needing space because they need to decompress after work may actually feel like abandonment to the other person. The surface level incident hits the trigger activation button, but the button is attached to the deeper meaning you give in that moment. So I like to describe this as the difference between the incident and the impact. The incident is the what happened. The dishes were left in the sink. Someone forgot to pick up the tomatoes from the market. A comment was made. A certain tone was used. One person didn't respond in the way the other expected. But the impact is what the incident means to you and what it activates as a trigger inside of you. The incident may be relatively small or seemingly insignificant, but the impact can feel ginormous because it touches an old hurt. It hits a fear, it smacks right on an old belief or some kind of emotional wound that has been carried for years. The dishes not being done, incident. Impact, you expect me to handle everything. The forgotten tomatoes from the store, incident. The impact may be you forgot about me, or I don't matter to you. A question about money may be the incident. The impact may be you just don't trust me, or nothing I ever do is good enough for you. Again, here's what couples often miss. The impact screams louder than the incident, even when it is never spoken. Your partner may only hear your anger, criticism, defensiveness, or silence, because silence is pretty loud. They may have no idea what that incident activated or triggered inside of you. And when that impact remains unspoken, stifled, each person begins reacting to the other's reaction instead of trying to understand the hurt underneath. So an incident may have happened, let's just say three, four, or five years ago. It's done. It's over. One partner may have even forgotten all about it. But for the other partner, the impact of that incident may be still living very loudly on the inside. Now, couples I work with often wonder, why in the world are they still talking about something that happened years ago? It's over. Can't we move on? I thought we moved on already. And yes, the incident is over, but the impact may still be very much alive. And if that hurt, that impact was never fully acknowledged, never understood, never repaired, it doesn't automatically disappear simply because time has passed. You know, the expression time heals all wounds. No, it does not. It can remain beneath the surface, influencing trust, emotional safety, screwing up intimacy, and the meaning somebody attaches to what happened in the relationship today, years later from that incident or from an incident. A present-day incident, something that happens in the moment, may touch that old unresolved impact. And suddenly the argument carries the emotional weight of everything that came before it. And somebody might be thinking, I thought we healed that already. I thought we resolved that already. And suddenly, what's coming up are all these other things coming and attached to whatever was the response or the reaction from the momentary incident. And suddenly there's this huge bucket of things. And the other person's like, oh my God, why is this coming back up? So before I share some examples, I want to say that whenever I talk about any couple that I'm currently working with, or any couple I've worked with in the past, I do not use their real names or any identifying details. I am fiercely protective of the couples I work with. You're not going to see me uh having videos of people saying how great their time with me was or how their marriage was saved, um, or how they got to the altar and resolved everything beforehand. I'm not here to identify people. I will talk about the examples, and I have a very purposeful way that I do that, but I'm not here to make light of anybody's situation or reveal them in any way. They're only shared to help illustrate the dynamics and whatever concepts we're exploring on any episode. So now let me give you an example now that you understand that. I work with a couple where the wife may share, you know, a feeling, a concern, or something she just wanted them to address in their relationship. So she says, Hey, are you available to talk right now? Because we always want to ask if somebody's available. Not everybody is. And so she wants to sit down, she wants to really share something from her heart. Her intention is not to attack her partner. She just wanted to address something. Even her words are not attacking words. She calmly shares. But what does he hear? I'm being attacked. That's the impact occurring inside of him. She may be saying something like, I really miss spending time with you. And he hears, You're failing me, as in his wife feels he has failed her. She may be saying, Gosh, I could use a little more help, but he hears, you never do enough. She may be trying to share her experience and invite him into this calm conversation. Meanwhile, he's already preparing to defend himself against an attack she never made. And once he becomes defensive, she may feel dismissed and unheard. So she says it again, maybe more aggressively, because she's trying to prove her point. And then, of course, his defensiveness grows, her frustration grows, and soon they're having a very loud argument. And she came to create this conversation just to discuss a concern. And he thinks he's defending himself from criticism and attack. So now neither one of them is responding just to the words being spoken. They're now reacting to what those words mean and what each of them is silently hearing underneath that impact. This is how the voices beneath the conversation begin to carry the conflict. And then it becomes a total verbal brawl. She's now trying harder and harder to be heard. He's trying harder and harder to defend himself. And the more defensive he becomes, the more dismissed she feels. The more aggressively she speaks, the more attacked he feels. Now they're not even talking about the original concern. This has become like something else. They are reacting to each other's reactions. She thinks again they were there to discuss something really important happening in their relationship. And he's sitting there going, Oh my gosh, I'm feeling attacked. And again, both of them just have become activated, and the real issue completely disappears underneath the argument. The incident may have started the conversation, but the impact is now driving that verbal brawl. And you know those hidden trigger buttons, the old hurts, fears, beliefs, and meanings that get activated beneath the surface, those become the voices that carry. And again, they carry more loudly than the words actually being spoken. Somebody says, I want to talk about something. I really want to talk about something. And he hears, you just screwed up again. So he becomes defensive. And she hears, your feelings don't matter to me. Now, again, neither message was actually said verbally, but both partners are responding as if it was said. Again, these are the voices carrying the conflict. And when we come back, I'm going to show you how to slow this pattern down, identify what each of you is actually hearing underneath the words, and begin repairing the impact rather than continuing the brawl. So let's take a quick pause.

Speaker 13:51

Hey there, Susan here. As you're listening to this, if something's hitting home for you, I'm gonna give you the best place to start. I have these first aid kits. Now these are free and they're designed to stop the bleeding in moments of conflict, tension, and friction, even if you're on Cloud9 planning your wedding. Now, if you are preparing for marriage, the premarital first aid kit will help you navigate those moments and start having the conversations that actually matter. If you're already married and things are feeling disconnected, stuck, painful, all of that, the marriage first aid kit will help you stabilize what's happening and start shifting the patterns that just aren't working. These are things that will stop the bleeding. You're gonna find the right one for you in the show notes, or you can go to www.susanortolano.com and you can download them there. Now, let's get back to our episode today, shall we?

Speaker 14:58

Welcome back to my little horsey voice today. Now that we understand how an incident can activate a much deeper impact, let's talk about how to interrupt the pattern and begin repairing what is actually happening between you. Because a pattern interrupt, as I like to call it, is a way to slow and even stop the runaway train that is conflict that it has now become. Because once you're both highly activated and triggered, you are no longer listening to understand anything. You're listening for the next accusation, you're preparing your defense, your response, you're collecting evidence trying to prove your point. A pattern interrupt is not avoiding the conversation, not at all. It's not walking away indefinitely, it's not pretending the issue doesn't even matter. It is simply recognizing that the conversation happening is no longer productive and choosing to stop the escalation before there's more harm. It may sound like this. Hey, I really care about this and I want to understand what you're saying, but I'm too triggered or I'm too activated to do that productively right now. Can we take a pause and come back to this maybe in about 30 minutes? Now, the important part about that is that you agree on when you're going to return to talk about it again. Otherwise, the person asking for the pause may feel controlled or manipulated while the other experiences the pause as some kind of abandonment or avoidance. So you're not abandoning the issue by asking for a pause. You are stopping the runaway train of conflict long enough to kind of calm your nervous system, to calm your energy down, to get your bearings so that you can come back, get on the same track, and have a more productive and more conscious conversation. Now, learning how to create an effective pattern interrupt takes some awareness, practice, and an agreement between both of you. So you have to begin recognizing the signs that the conflict is escalating before that runaway train is completely off the tracks. Maybe you notice your voice is getting louder. Maybe you notice your chest is tightening or the veins in your neck feel like they're popping out. You begin repeating yourself over and over to try to prove your point. You may become defensive, sarcastic, critical. And maybe you're somebody who just shuts down and you just stop responding or feel such overwhelmed that you need to escape the conversation. Now, these are signals that your ability to listen and understand and respond consciously is disappearing in that moment. So a pattern interrupt also works best when couples discuss it before they're in the middle of the conflict or before something starts escalating when you guys are in a good space. You can agree on what either one of you say if something starts to happen, what the meaning of a pause is so nobody misunderstands it, how long it may last, and when you'll actually return to the conversation. Now you cannot control everything. Maybe the pause agreement is 30 minutes, maybe it's 45 minutes. You guys can decide together. And then the important thing is you have to honor that agreement. Now it again takes practice because you're learning to recognize and interrupt an automatic pattern. And this may be something that has been operating between the two of you for years. It's kind of on autopilot. And the goal is not necessarily that you have to do it perfectly, it's to catch the pattern sooner, reduce the harm being caused while activated, and create enough space to actually hear what's happening underneath the argument. So awareness becomes the first step. Initially, that awareness may come after you've already reacted. And you're like, oh my God, I heard what just came out of my mouth. And you're like, oh crap, I just stepped in it. Now with learning and practice, you begin catching yourself while it's happening. Imagine you're in the middle of reacting, and something inside of you notices, oops, I'm stepping in it right now. And then you can stop yourself. And with more practice, you finally catch the reaction before it comes out of your mouth. Where it's like you feel it boiling up, and you're like, uh-oh, I'm about to say something, and I'm about to step in it. That's when you know you have reached a very conscious level of awareness and you've created enough space between the trigger moment and your reaction to it that has you make a different choice in the words that you're using or the tone. Now, I'm gonna give you one of my favorite ways to create a pattern interrupt. This is about asking a deeper question. And one of my favorites, actually, my favorite question is what is this really about for you? I'm gonna say that again. What is this really about for you? Why is that question so helpful? Because it can stop the runaway back and forth, conflict palooza train, and literally change the direction of the conversation. So instead of preparing, preparing your next defense or trying to prove your point, you are inviting your partner to look beneath the incident and explore the impact. What this is really about for you. And exploring the impact is not reacting to it, it's taking a closer look. And that's what it's really about for you. So maybe it's really not about the dishes, maybe it's about feeling alone with the responsibilities of your shared life, and that your partner isn't doing as much as you'd like him to or her. Maybe it really isn't about forgotten tomatoes from the market. Maybe it's about wanting to feel heard, be considered, and feel important. Maybe it isn't really about the tone of voice used that day. Maybe that tone touched an old experience of criticism, of rejection, or not feeling emotionally safe from your past, even as far back, especially far back as your childhood. Now, the question creates an opening, it creates a beautiful space for curiosity. But how you ask matters. What is this really about for you? It cannot be delivered. Like, what is this really about for you? Or some kind of accusation, challenge, or another way of saying, hey, yo, you're overreacting. It really has to come from a genuine desire to understand the impact your partner's experiencing that's going on underneath the incident. So, what might this look like in your partnership? The next time you notice a conflict escalating, begin by slowing yourself down. Pay attention to what's going on inside of you. Are you becoming defensive? Is your voice getting louder? Are you repeating yourself to prove a point? Are you shutting down? Are you pulling away? Are you preparing your next response or argument instead of actually listening? This is your opportunity to create a pattern interrupt. It takes that awareness. Now you might say, I don't want this to become another verbal brawl. Can we just slow it down for a moment? Use your partner's name. And if they're if if they're trying to still argue, people love the sound of hearing their name. So one of the things you can do is let's just say you're married to Joe. Joe, can we just slow down for a minute? Joe, Joe, Joe, can we just slow down for a minute? That can be really helpful. So instead of continuing to argue about the incident, one of you can ask that question, what is this really about for you? And the person answering can begin by separating the incident from the impact. So imagine you've already talked about this. You both understand the difference because you've created an agreement. So how you can say it is when this happened, meaning the incident, the impact it had on me was X. Something maybe like I felt really small or whatever it was. Or what I silently heard underneath or inside of me was X. Something like, you know, back when my grades weren't good in elementary school, my mom called me stupid. So that's what I was silently hearing underneath. Maybe the incident was a forgotten errand, but the impact was, I don't feel important to you. Maybe the incident was your partner asking a question, but what you silently heard was, you don't trust me, or nothing I do is good enough. This gives your partner full access to what is happening inside of you instead of expecting them to figure it out just from your anger, your defensiveness, your criticism, or even your silence, because we know silence is very loud. And if you are the partner listening, your job in that moment is not to correct their interpretation, not to defend your intention, not to prove that they shouldn't feel that way. We cannot tell somebody how to feel. That is their right to have their feelings. And even though they may not be accurate, that may just be how it landed for them. Your job is to become curious about their experience. You might say something like this: hey, I didn't realize that that was the impact it had on you. I'm so sorry that happened for you. Or this is not what I intended, but I get why it felt that way. Your intention matters, but sadly your intention does not erase the full impact. But it does help. And it all starts by understanding the real voice inside of you that carries. It isn't simply the dishes aren't done, or the tone of your partner's voice hitting one of your trigger buttons. It's the inner voice saying, I feel so dumb, I just can't please my spouse, I'm not good enough, I don't matter, or maybe even I just feel so low right now. Those are the silent voices that really carry. They carry the conflict, they activate your triggers, they drive the reaction that eventually comes out of your mouth. Your partner hears the anger, the criticism, the defensiveness, frustration, but what they may not hear is your hurt, your fear, or your crappy belief living underneath it. So when you can identify that silent voice and share it with your partner and give them the opportunity to understand what's truly happening inside of you, that's when the two of you can stop fighting about an incident and begin to repair the real impact at the root. What becomes possible when you learn how to do this? Peace, harmony, more peace within you, more peace between the two of you and bonding. This can really bond you to understand each other. And when you're not spending so much time caught in the same runaway train conflicts, you do create more space for bonding, for fun, for connection, for intimacy, for more love, all the good things. Not because you never disagree, not because you're gonna never hit a trigger button inside of your partner again, but because you now know how to slow it down, listen beneath the words, and really find your way back to one another. This is one of the reasons why I say marriage success is an inside job. So for today's reflection, I want you to ask yourself, what voices are being carried inside of me? The real ones, the ones you really don't want to say out loud, but you feel so deeply and intensely. Is the voice saying I don't matter? Is that voice saying I'm not good enough? I suck, I can't do anything right, I'm all alone, I don't belong, I'm not safe, or I feel small. Your biggest aha from this episode may be recognizing just one of those voices and understanding it that how it's been influencing your reactions for years. So within the next 24 hours, I have a dare to share for you. Share one of these silent voices with your partner. Explain all of this to them. You might say, you know, I was looking at how we handle conflict, and I recognize that how I react is from an old trigger, something that impacted me, not the incident itself. So then you can explain to them when I hear X or when X happens, what I silently hear inside myself is Z. And X and Z are the things you're gonna fill in. And by sharing, you're not blaming your partner, you're not asking them to fix that voice. Nobody can go in there and fix it. Nobody. You can't go into your partner's brain and fix that voice. They can't come into yours. You're just helping them understand the impact beneath your reaction. And for a little more lightness, you can choose and create a catchphrase together. Something that you guys can use when you're noticing that runaway train beginning to pick up speed and escalating. It can be something like, oh my gosh, are we stepping in it right now? Or even just call conflictpalooza. And then you kind of say, What is this really about? Or can we take a pause? Let it be something that helps you pause, that helps you soften. And remember that the two of you are still on the same team. Because when you finally give that silent voice inside you the real words, it no longer has to scream through conflict in order to be heard. Your voice carries a story. The impact triggered in that moment, and the wounds of moments and incidences long past are the stories. But give your partner a chance to hear the real story and give your partner a chance to really know you.

Speaker 30:43

Think about what we talked about during this episode. What is one specific action step you can take in your partnership today? And if you want to share what happened when you did, you can email me at Susan @ Susanortolano.com, and your action and results may be featured on an upcoming episode using your first name only because I like to keep your privacy. Now, if you're ready to go deeper with this work, go to www.susanortolano.com. You can check out the services I offer. And know that all links and resources are in the show notes. And if this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow, share it with somebody you love, and leave a review, hopefully a nice one, as it helps this message reach more couples. So I will say until next time, this is Susan Ortolano, intuitive relationship and marriage coach. This is Before and Beyond I Do. Real talk about marriage at every stage. And always remember marriage success is an inside job. Bye now.