Speaker 0:00

Now, if you've just found Before and Beyond I Do, there's a good chance you're wondering, yeah, okay, who the hell are you, lady? Who is this woman and why should I listen to her talk about marriage? Well, that's a fair question. But I'm also wondering, who are you? You might even be asking yourself the same question. And maybe you're asking another one, who is my spouse today? Because whether you've been married four years or 40 years, neither one of you is the same person you were on the day you said I do, or even the day you met. And in marriage, it's surprisingly easy to lose yourself somewhere along the way. So let's get to it.

Speaker 0:53

Hey there, welcome to Before and Beyond I Do, real talk about marriage at every stage. I'm Susan Ortolano, intuitive relationship and marriage coach. We have another meaningful episode for you today, and I'm so glad you're here. So let's just dive in, shall we?

Speaker 1:16

Well, hey, you stayed through that. Awesome. And I just want to give my sincere welcome to Before and Beyond I Do. This is my first episode. This is a podcast about partnership, marriage, the partnership that leads up to the I do and the marriage that comes after. We're going to talk about the joys, the pain, the connection, the disconnection, the intimacy, the lack of it, the arguments you keep having, the conversations you keep avoiding, trust, betrayal, repair, communication, not in a cliche way, sex, money, family, careers, kids, aging, health, and all of those life transitions that can absolutely change not only your marriage, but who you are inside of it. We're going to talk about what happens when you love each other, but maybe you don't really like each other in that moment. What happens when you're doing kind of ho-hum, but you know there could be more? And what happens when you're looking at the other person you married and you're thinking, how the hell did we get here? And yes, we're going to talk about marriage a little differently than you may be used to hearing it talked about. This is real talk. And as a former high school teacher, this is also the curriculum no one ever taught you in school because this is educational. And the core philosophy behind my work as a marriage coach is something I call marriage success is an inside job. You're going to hear me talk about it constantly. You're going to see it in the show notes. You're going to see it pretty much everywhere. And you're going to learn what it means. And no, it doesn't mean everything that's wrong with you or your marriage is your fault. And I'm not even saying something's wrong with you. But sometimes when people hear that, they think, oh my gosh, everything is my fault. It really means that if your focus is always on what your spouse needs to change, you are giving away an enormous amount of your own power. And that idea, who you are, how you show up, what you bring into your marriage, and who you're becoming as a person is a huge part of what we're going to explore here. But before we get into all that, I promised I'd answer that first question. Who the hell am I? Now there's a question. Who are you? And it means something to me personally. Now I'm going to tell you a little bit about me. Years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed after a major surgery. And I had had a few surgeries prior to that. My then husband, then husband, because I've been married and divorced and remarried, my then husband was not there. In fact, it was probably the last place he wanted to be. He didn't even want to show up for me having major surgery. And to avoid the wrath of my father and my family, he eventually did show up, but he didn't stay long. And that moment was part of a much bigger story, which I will share. My marriage, that marriage, was filled with multiple instances of infidelity, neglect, and a whole lot of pain. And for years I believed that if I just loved him enough, if I was just caring enough, if I was just devoted enough, if I was just patient enough with him, eventually he would stop disappearing, because he used to do that, and he would stop the infidelity and finally choose me. What I couldn't see at the time was that while I was waiting for him to choose me, for him to change, I had stopped choosing myself. And this pattern didn't begin with him. I wasn't exactly a girl who would have been considered lucky in love. And when I look back at that and the relationships that came before that marriage, I could see some variations of the same story. I was trying to convince men to love me by showing them my compassion, my devotion, my understanding, my willingness to stay with them, and by nurturing them through all their pain. And as a highly sensitive, empathic woman, and we'll be discussing that in a future episode, I could literally feel the pain of the men that I dated. And when I felt their pain, I ignored my own. Because I thought loving someone meant, hey, gotta hang in there. I thought being a good partner meant giving more and more and more. I thought it meant understanding more and forgiving more in that traditional sense of what forgiveness means. And I'm gonna talk about that another time too. Somewhere along the way, I had confused loving someone with abandoning myself. And having had divorced parents meant I didn't want divorce for myself. But sadly it happened. And in my attempt to hang in there in my first marriage, I was the one who continued to get hurt. My health began to break down. The marriage became increasingly even more painful than it was. My then husband, when I suggested it, refused to get help for the marriage. So I finally decided, hey, I'm gonna get help for myself. So I went to see a social worker. And the day I went to see her, after I shared my little sad story with her, she asked me one question. Why are you with him? I froze. I couldn't answer. Nothing even came to mind. I drew a complete blank. And then that moment of silence in my brain, I could hear wind chimes outside of her office. They were so peaceful and serene. But inside of me, I panicked. I waited for words to come forward that would answer her question. Nothing. And finally I looked at her and I said, Hey, I got nothing. And that silence changed something in me. Because if I couldn't answer why I was even with him, I had to begin asking myself very different questions. One of them, who am I? Not who am I in relationship to this man? Not who do I need to become so that he'll finally love me the way I want to be loved. And not what else can I do to convince him to choose me? Who am I? And ultimately, by divorcing that man and exploring that question, I ultimately met my now husband, Rick. Now, one might say he was the savior, the hero of my story, but he didn't rescue me. There was no magical right man who could make everything that had come before him disappear. What changed was that I was different. I had done the inner work, so to speak. And because I had done that inner work, I could actually participate in love differently. I could participate in a relationship differently. And ultimately, I could actually be in a marriage differently. Rick was the result of the work I had done inside of me. And now, as I share this with you as I'm recording this, Rick and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this year, 2026. Not because we've never struggled, not because neither one of us has ever said something that triggered the other. And absolutely not because either one of us stopped evolving the day we said I do, quite the opposite. We consciously chose to continue learning and growing. We decided intentionally learning who we were as individuals was going to be important, healing the residual wounds we each still carried inside, and continuing to discover who the person behind us was becoming and who the person beside us was becoming. Because we knew we would both continue to grow and change and evolve as life continued life. And again, we were super intentional about it. And I'll tell you that intentionality has become a critical part of not only my marriage, but the work I now do with other couples. So before I finish this part of the episode and turn that question to you and ask you, who are you? And all that brings me to why I created Before and Beyond I Do, I just want to say this podcast is really about you, but I knew you needed to know a little bit about me, and you'll hear a few things about me along the way. So whether you're preparing to say I do and you're struggling, or whether you've been married for decades and your marriage is struggling, or things feel like mediocre or even boring, and you want to make sure they get better, I want this to be a place for real talk about what it actually takes to create a partnership and marriage that lasts like forever. We're going to get real about communication and conflict. We're going to get real about trust, the breakdown of trust, betrayal, intimacy, what it actually means, and the lack of it, the lack of connection and the disconnection, those expectations that don't get met, families that may disappear or interfere, careers, job changes, kids, money, the roles and responsibilities, and certainly the life transitions that can change everything. We're going to talk about what happens when you look across the room at the person you love and you wonder, how the hell did we get here? But we're also going to talk about what happens when nothing is, we'll say, a huge chaotic incident, but you just know there could be more, more connection, more intimacy, more fun, more honesty, more understanding, more of that feeling that the two of you are actually doing life together rather than just going along. My grandmother used to say that when somebody would say, How are you? She would say, Going alone. And that's a very ho-hum way to be, and we don't like that. We're going, I mean, I love my grandmother, I love my grandmother, but that was her answer because she didn't want to say anything bad. We're going to approach all of this differently because I'm not interested in giving you another list of communication tips while ignoring what happens inside of you when you're even too triggered to use communication tips. I'm not going to spend our time figuring out how you can get your spouse to change. Because let's be honest, nobody changes unless they want to. And waiting for your spouse to change is a rabbit hole you do not want to go down. And I'm definitely not going to tell you that the answer to every marriage problem is another friggin' date night. Because I'm going to say this date nights are not the way to save a marriage. Not at all. And we are going to talk about that and why. But you're going to hear me say this again and again, as I promised, marriage success is an inside job. The relationship, partnership, marriage you create together is absolutely influenced by the two people who show up to create it. Your histories, the wounds you carry, the beliefs you have, your expectations, your reactivity, the way you try to protect yourself, your needs, your choices, and your willingness to take ownership of what actually belongs to you. So we're going to look beneath the actual problem, the presenting problem, I call it, that you actually argue about. And we're going to find out what's really happening. We're going to talk about healing, what needs to be healed, taking ownership, but without taking all the blame. Learning how to repair when you hurt each other, rebuilding trust when it's been shattered and damaged. And creating emotional safety where both people can feel known, loved, heard, seen for who they actually really are authentically. And we're going to talk about something I think couples sometimes forget. You don't just create your marriage on the day that you say I do. Marriage needs to continue to be created. So you keep creating it through every season, through every challenge, through every transition in life. And as both of you continue becoming different versions of yourselves, because again you evolve. And that brings us right back to the question we started with. Who are you? And just as importantly, who is the person you're married to today? Because they don't always tell you what's going on. And that's where I want to take you when we come back. But we're going to take a quick pause.

Speaker 14:46

If something's hitting home for you, I'm going to give you the best place to start. I have these first aid kits. Now these are free and they're designed to stop the bleeding in moments of conflict, tension, and friction, even if you're on Cloud9 planning your wedding. Now, if you are preparing for marriage, the premarital first aid kit will help you navigate those moments and start having the conversations that actually matter. If you're already married and things are feeling disconnected, stuck, painful, all of that, the marriage first aid kit will help you stabilize what's happening and start shifting the patterns that just aren't working. These are things that will stop the bleeding. You're gonna find the right one for you in the show notes, or you can go to www.susanordolano.com and you can download them there. Now let's get back to our episode today, shall we?

Speaker 15:48

Okay, that's enough about me for today. Let's talk about you. Let's take a closer look at the question, who are you? It sounds like a simple question, doesn't it? But if I took away your name, your job, whatever roles you're playing, your responsibility, all the ways you identify yourself in relationship to other people, what would you say? Who are you? Because over the course of a marriage and life, it can become so easy to lose sight of that answer. Not because you did anything wrong, and not necessarily because something went wrong in your marriage. Sometimes it just happens because life happened. Many of you built careers. Maybe you've raised children, maybe you're raising kids now. You took care of a home, you paid bills, you dealt with family for good, for not so good. You've had hobbies and interests, passions, all kinds of stuff. Some of you have gone through some heavy losses and major celebrations. Some of you have gone through health challenges, moving so many times, career changes. Some of you are in that space where you have aging parents. Some of you are empty nesters, some of you are even transitioning into retirement. There are so many life transitions that really change the landscape of marriage. Maybe you've even had a divorce or two. And that was part of the life that happened. Because not every person listening to this is living the life they imagined they would be living when they were 25. I know I'm not. Life takes turns, takes turns. Relationships end, new ones begin, families change, careers change. I call it bodies sag, bag, and drag, and bodies change, priorities change, your dreams of your life change. And somewhere in all of that, you may have become very clear about what you do in the world, but less clear about who you are in the world. So now let me ask you this do you know who you are now? Not what you do now, but who you are now? Do you know what matters to you at this point in your life? What makes you smile? What lights you up? What drains the hell out of you? Do you know what you need more of? And what you've had enough of and will no longer tolerate. What do you believe today that you didn't believe 10 years ago? What have you outgrown? What are you curious about? What do you want for this next chapter of your life? And here's one that may be a little harder. Are there parts of yourself that you've slowly put away or stifled in order to fit the life or marriage you've created? Maybe you stopped doing something you loved. Maybe you gave up a dream. Maybe you became so identified with being a parent, a professional, a caregiver, a husband, a wife, that you stopped making room for the rest of you. Maybe there are things you don't say anymore because it's just easier to hold it in. Maybe you've gotten very good at knowing what everybody else needs, but you have no idea what you need. Or maybe you do, but you just don't pay attention to it. Maybe you've spent so much time trying not to rock the boat that you're no longer even sure what you would say if you did. Now I'm not suggesting that knowing yourself means you have to you get to do whatever the hell you want without considering your spouse. That's not partnership either. I'm talking about knowing yourself well enough that the person you bring into your marriage is actually the authentic you. Real intimacy requires two people who are willing to be known, who are willing to be vulnerable about who they are. And it is very difficult to allow anybody else to truly know you when you've lost touch with significant parts of yourself. So part of creating a strong, conscious, connected marriage is continuing to discover yourself, not once, but every single day throughout life. What do I need now? What is important to me now? What did I learn about myself today? Where am I changing? Where am I growing? Who am I becoming? And then comes the other half of this. Take that same curiosity and turn it toward the person you married. Who are they now? Because they've been changing, they've been growing, they've been evolving and moving through life right alongside you. And sometimes you don't even know what's going on with them. These are the exactly the kinds of questions I want to help you explore on this podcast. Who are you? Who is your partner today? And maybe one of the most important questions we'll explore together. Who do you need to become to have the marriage you deeply want? And I'm not talking about pleasing the other person. I'm talking about the person you need to become inside. Now, whether you're planning a wedding and you're struggling, or you're in a marriage that's struggling, you're maybe you're on the brink of divorce because you simply don't know what the hell else to do. Or maybe you have an again a mediocre marriage and you want to create something better, deeper. We're gonna do some digging together through these episodes. Because this isn't gonna be a podcast about how to resolve conflict in five minutes or less, or three tips to better communication. Uh uh, we're going deeper than that. Going to explore all aspects of marriage from the before I do to the beyond I do. And we're gonna explore the critical topics that really kind of shape our partnerships from the inside out, not the outside in. This pod is here to help you answer this question and so many more. But for today, I don't want you to answer who am I too quickly. This is not a question to just check off a list. It's a question to examine, it's a question to explore. It's a question you need to reflect upon a little more deeply than just today. Who am I today? Who am I becoming? What parts of myself have I lost touch with? What matters to me now? What the hell do I want for my life and for my marriage? How well do I really know the person beside me? Not just the person you met or the person you were with when you guys said I do, but who they are today. Knowing who you are and continuing to discover who your partner is doesn't just help you create a better marriage. It creates the possibility for a marriage that becomes deeper, more intimate, more vulnerable, more connected, more peaceful, more fun. And ultimately it becomes a marriage with a foundation strong enough to hold those changes that happen, to hold those challenges and transitions that life's gonna just bring and may have already dumped on you that you haven't even figured out answers to yet. That's what we're doing here. Episode by episode, I'll be supporting you in creating your own vision of a healthy, strong, conscious marriage designed to last a lifetime. And I don't mean that in a cliche way, but in every way that matters. So for today, I'm gonna leave you with the question that started all of this. The question that once changed the direction of my life. And the question I hope you'll keep asking yourself long after this episode ends who are you?

Speaker 24:20

So before we close this episode today, I want to invite you to get into action. Think about what we talked about during this episode. What is one specific action step you can take in your partnership today? And if you want to share what happened when you did, you can email me at Susan @ Susanortolano.com, and your action and results may be featured on an upcoming episode using your first name only because I like to keep your privacy. Now, if you're ready to go deeper with this work, go to www.susanortolano.com. You can check out the services I offer and know that all links and resources are in the show notes. And if this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow, share it with somebody you love, and leave a review, hopefully a nice one, as it helps this message reach more couples. So I will say until next time, this is Susan Ordolano, Intuitive Relationship and Marriage Coach. This is Before and Beyond I Do. Real talk about marriage at every stage. And always remember marriage success is an inside job. Bye now.